Single In the City
By Lauren Hoyt and Annette Cinelli
May 2005 - Worcester may be home to renowned diners, a growing music
scene, a newly renovated arena and even a semiprofessional baseball team,
but this city has never been known as a hip place for singles. If you’re
a member of the twenty- something crowd, you know the drill: dive bars,
drunkenness, one night stands. There is little opportunity outside the
world of weekend nightlife to meet someone good.
This month, The Pulse set out to find out what happens when people stop
being polite and start being real about the local dating scene. Read on…
the answers may surprise you (names have been changed to protect the not-so
innocent).
Meet Rob, 27. With his combination of good looks, good job and good luck,
he has no trouble meeting women. He spends weekend nights at local bars
and usually has an easy time heading home with someone at the end of the
night.
Rob has a good time and, for the most part, enjoys being single. What
he doesn’t understand yet, and what his mother never will,is that
meeting a girl is different than just meeting a girl. Rob doesn’t
get why he can’t find a girl who appreciates the Sox games, with
whom he can talk about his family disputes, and who will cuddle with him
on the couch when he wants to watch a (yes, happens) romantic comedy at
home.
In an apartment across town, Lora, 24, paints her nails before going out
on a Saturday night. She’s waiting for the phone to ring and, while
doing so, swears up and down that she will not be doing this again next
weekend. She’s always looking for love in all the wrong places.
While Brandon, whom she met the night before, seemed like a sweetheart,
he’s yet to call as promised. She decides that Brandon is just like
all the rest.
In a romantic comedy, these two might be the central characters in a tragically
funny love story, destined to meet by chance. But in real life, they’ve
already met – their one-night stand is something that both catalogue
as a hot encounter resulting from little more than physical attraction
and a couple of tequila shots.
Meet Jason, 25. He is smart and funny with an outgoing personality. It’s
difficult to see why this guy would have such a hard time finding a girlfriend.
Then the truth comes out: Jason is cursed with being a nice guy. He is
the Holy Grail that many single women talk about — he’ll plan
a romantic Italy-themed date, he’ll be as sweet to your best friend
as he is to you, and he’ll have no problem introducing you to his
parents. Yet he is still single. He thinks that one of the problems with
the dating scene in Worcester is that girls are hard to approach. “They
tend to travel in packs, or with a guy. Occasionally, I meet a girl and
talk with her, but not often,” he says. “Girls in New England
are not very approachable. Sorry ladies, but it’s true.” He,
like many other guys in the area, believes that “…if both
sides made the first move, then there would be a lot fewer single people
out there!”
Meet Maria, 22. She’s a recent college graduate living and working
in Worcester, still looking for that special someone. Maria’s problem
with the local scene is that she’s not a fan of bars or nightclubs.
She would rather be approached someplace else. “At a bar or someplace
like that, intentions are pretty much laid out to be a pickup, but a supermarket
or other places seem like less pressure,” she says. “Also,
I know the guy isn’t so drunk that he’s just talking to me
‘cause he wants some. A sober guy really has to have balls to come
over to talk.”
What do all of these twenty-somethings have in common? They’re all
wading through the sea, trying to find the perfect fish. And they all
agree that in Worcester, he or she can be very hard to catch.
Out on the Town
On a recent Thursday night, one brave Pulse staff member decided to check
out the singles scene in Worcester first hand. Here she tells about her
encounters as an observer of the dating scene. Armed with my notebook,
a pen, my supportive roommate and cash for drinks (I knew I would need
one or two before I could approach anyone), I made my way to Funky Murphy’s.
The guy checking IDs asked with a smile if I were going to do homework,
but wished me luck when I told him about the article. Once inside, we
got a drink and sat down to check out the scene. After my first drink,
I approached three guys who were sitting behind us. One had a Red Sox
hat on, so I opened with a question about who won the game. How guys make
the first move on a regular basis, I’ll never know. I chatted for
a moment and then asked them their thoughts on the dating scene. They
were fans of Funky Murphy’s and said it was a good place to meet
people. They also mentioned Café Dolce down the street as a good
nondrinking locale for meeting people and added that if you were looking
to find a relationship in a bar, it’s best to get there early before
everyone’s drunk.
The next group of guys I approached were a little bit older, maybe in
their late twenties instead of just out of college like the last group
was. They weren’t out to meet women, just to hang out with each
other and have a good time. But they were flattered that I had gone up
to them and said they wished more girls would do the same thing. After
that night out, I have a lot more respect for the guys who hit on me at
bars — because it really takes a lot of nerve to approach a stranger.
The guys I met were really nice, fun to talk to, and they even taught
me something about courage. Next time I catch a guy’s eye at the
bar, I may just go over and offer to buy him a drink!
Many singles say that while they hang out at bars on Main Street, Park
Ave. and Shrewsbury Street with high hopes for a good time, few have realistic
hopes of meeting someone for a relationship. As Eric, 24, of Worcester
says, drinking clouds judgment, almost guaranteeing that the encounter
will result in less than a true connection.
“My friends say it’s the ‘thrill of the hunt’
that excites them about being single, but they won’t talk to girls
unless the girl is totally wasted,” Eric says. “That’s
like hunting at a petting zoo. Doesn’t seem very exhilarating to
me.”
On the other hand, many singles have little spare time between work and
other commitments to meet like-minded singles, so bars have become the
most common meeting places. While other locations may be more conducive
to meeting someone with similar interests, the bar is a location that
is suited to matching up – and it has its perks.
“I have no qualms about meeting someone at a bar,” says Erin,
23, of Worcester. “People are not really there to accomplish anything
practical. It’s usually just drinks, music, dancing and conversation.
So at bars, people are presenting themselves in a calculated fashion,
making them confident and more willing to engage in conversation…
not to mention the help of alcohol.”
One thing that defied our expectations was that guys were very receptive
to the idea of girls approaching them. “That is damn sexy,”
says Brent, 27, of Worcester. While many girls say they still wait until
a guy approaches them, some have very less-than-subtle ways of drawing
his attention — making overt eye contact, repeatedly passing by
his table or positioning themselves somewhere that is easily accessible
for conversation. Some girls we talked to had also tried approaching guys
on their own, with varying degrees of success. They hoped that the boldness
might result in a more fruitful encounter since they were actively selecting
a potential partner instead of passively
accepting him.
Other Places to Meet Someone
Brent says he believes that the dating scene is “a little dry”
in the Worcester area. As a graduate student, he spends plenty of time
on campus as well as at local bars, but he hasn’t had much luck.
“The bar scene in Worcester doesn’t attract my kind of woman,”
he says. “The college girls stay in their own little world, and
most of them are into the guys that ‘pop the collars.’ Are
people serious about that shit?”
Then there’s Eric, who met his girlfriend in what most locals would
consider an unlikely spot: Leitrum’s on Park Ave. Before meeting
this girl, he spent months on the singles scene and had a hard time meeting
anyone with whom he really connected. He admits that his situation is
not common, since Leitrum’s and similar establishments are not known
for being hotbeds of profound conversation and realistic “signals.”
But hey, it can happen!
“It’s definitely the exception,” says Eric. “Meeting
someone at a bar in the Worcester area is damn near impossible. never
really found a place that was conducive to introducing yourself.”
Jillian, 24, of Westborough agrees. “I’m not really into the
bar/club scene,” she says. “I don’t want to meet my
future husband in one of those places. I’d prefer to meet him through
one of my friends.”
Bookstores were a common suggestion from both sexes as a good place to
meet someone. As Kate, 24, of Westborough points out, “You can tell
a lot about a person by his choice in literature – plus you know
that he knows how to read.” 28-year-old Jessica of Grafton, who
has been in a serious relationship for three years, has some sage advice
based on her single years. “Find an activity or hobby that you enjoy
and join a club,” she says. “It is the best way to meet someone.
You can’t depend on meeting someone good at a bar.”
Brent has become slightly cynical about his position. He is willing to
make a change to see if it could lead to a meaningful encounter. “I
suppose my best option is to hang out at The Living Earth health food
store and pretend I am buying Tofurkey. Maybe that would work.”
Some think online dating is crazy. Erin, 24, of Leominster says, “At
this point, dating services are just so stigmatized. I can’t help
but think there is something undesirable about people who use those services.”
But it worked for Heather, 25, of Westborough. “As ridiculous and
pathetic as online dating seems at 25, give it a whirl,” she says.
“I decided, ‘F**k it.’ I had suffered the bars long
enough, and you only live once, so why not explore all my options?”
Lucky for Heather, she met and fell in love with the first and only guy
she met online.
Most singles admit that they’ve done something extreme to create
an opportunity to get to know someone. So, if you think about it, which
seems crazier, being matched online with people who have similar interests
or getting loaded, going to the bar and waiting for someone to make eye
contact with you?
Enjoy the Single Life
The Pulse also asked some unattached twenty-somethings about the positive
aspects of living the single life. There were plenty. “I like that
you can flirt,” says Jillian. “I’m a big flirt myself
and it’s just fun to do. There’s no pressure of someone else
in your life to worry about. Being single has many positives! I’ve
done it my whole life and I’m still alive!” “Being single
has its pros and cons,” says Kevin, 23, of Brighton. “It’s
great because I have all the freedom in the world. On the other hand,
it can be nice to have a girlfriend to go to dinner with, to cuddle on
the couch with or to just relax with.”
“The grass is always greener,” says Kate, 24, of Worcester.
“Sometimes I really want a relationship and then I meet someone
and realize I am way too selfish and busy right now to be worrying about
someone else.” While the singles “sea” may seem far
too shallow in these parts, and sometimes it feels like your fishing skills
are permanently stuck at the novice level, it is important to realize
that there are many others in the area who are in your same situation.
The consensus? It’s not that dire. It’s just a matter of keeping
your eyes open and not trying too hard. Cupid can strike anywhere, and
chances are you will meet that special someone in the last place you’d
ever look and at the time you’d least suspect it. So take control
of your life, enjoy your freedom and live it up single in the city.“Don’t
settle for someone,” says Mandy, 21, of Worcester. “Too many
people do that and end up unhappy.
Don’t commit to someone or something until you have exercised all
options. It’s the only way to be happy with your life and to find
happiness with someone else.” Greg, 24, of Boston also offers some
important advice for singles: Relax. “If you are going out solely
for the purpose of finding a partner, stop it,” he says. “Go
out, have fun and things will fall into place.”
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